She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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