I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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