just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
