My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
