this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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