I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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