My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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