Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
