I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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