my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize