You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
