if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
