Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize