4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Please don't give away my fajitas
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
