i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
