She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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