Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
