I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
