so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
