so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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