Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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