Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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