i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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