so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
