can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
