The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize