Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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