The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
