I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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