I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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