just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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