omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
