I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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