im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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