I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
