Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
