Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
