Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
