new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize