the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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