ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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