also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
