Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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