Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
