I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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