Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
