you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
