How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
