I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
