i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
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