I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
