since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
