i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
