Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
