1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
