Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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