every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
