all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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