he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
