WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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