Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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