Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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