i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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