There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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