Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
