Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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