I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
did you just send me my own nude
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
